Relationships

My dad went to help his brother (Hal) for two weeks, and it's safe to say that I underestimated just how much I relied on my dad.  He has made the comment before, "What would you ever do if I didn't live here?", and I agreed half-heartedly, determined that I was more on my game that he was implying.  The truth is--I'm not.  In fact, today it feels like I'm not even in the game.  Today, it feels like not only am I on the bench--I want to be on the bench, or even in the stands.  I want to be just me, without having to take care of three little persons.  Today, they are not munchkins--they are sick little persons that have driven me past the point of breaking.

I knew I was hitting a breaking point, but I had no idea that it was going to come today.  It came as I was arriving for my dentist appointment, and they informed me that I was 40 minutes early.  40 minutes in the place that I detest, associate with pain, and pay money for things I can't see or understand, and I always, always always leave with my body in a state of shock.  Suddenly, tears were springing to my eyes, and I informed the receptionist that I would wait the 40 minutes in the car.  I barely made it before I collapsed in tears.  There is no reason behind these times--I can't explain or rationalize my way out of them.  I simply feel that I'm not enough.  That I can't be a mom, a wife, a friend, a success.  I can't manage cleaning the house and caring for children that are sick.  I just can't do any of it.  I tried reading the scriptures, saying a prayer, and finally called Scottie.  I know that I need to turn to my Heavenly Father for help, but I also know that I am learning more about love from Scott than any other person.

He didn't chastise me for being weak--he simply listened.  He gave me permission to not have it all together.  He didn't tell me what to do, he instead said, "What do you need?"  And I told him--I need a break.  I just can't get caught up enough to handle all of this.  So, he gave it to me.  He picked up the kids for me, and I've been on my own now for several hours.  I made it home and took a bubble bath.  I dressed and went to the library and worked for 3 hours (because work deadlines were crushing my ability to simply relax!), and now I'm at dinner by myself.  I used to look at people all alone at a restaurant and feel pity for them.  I am now relishing in my solitude, and love the fact that I was able to eat my soup while it was hot, and devour my chocolate strawberry without the kids asking for it, and then feeling guilty that I didn't want to share.

I know eventually I'll go home tonight, and tomorrow the challenges of being a mom will start again. I realize that I need to have several people on my "team" so to speak, if I'm going to get back in the game.  The thing is--I'm at a point where I know I can turn to Scottie and my dad--to talk to and get immediate feedback and support.  In my heart, I also know that I can talk to Heavenly Father, and lean on the strength of the Savior, and receive comfort from the Holy Ghost.  But it's so easy to look for answers in the flesh--rather than trusting what I can't see.  Today is a reminder that I need to strengthen heavenly relationships so that they are as real as earthly relationships.  Today is a reminder that I'm not as spiritually rooted as I need to be.  Today is a day where I begin again to give time and energy to the time I spend knowing God, His Son, and the Holy Ghost.  It's a reminder that I can't just coast on the previous strength or balance I've had--I have to build it daily.  Just as I talk to my husband or my dad daily--and therefore feel close enough to both of them to lean on them and receive help--I can do the same with these heavenly relationships.